The New New - The Entire Dang Blog
Updated: Aug 14, 2021
For like the 13th time, I have restarted my blog TNakakihara.com. I think the last thing I wrote was a lovely story in July about how I love the artists' corners of the internet and then right before that was some recap of the first half of 2020 where I definitely believed that the worst of the storm had passed...
Ladies and gentlemen - the storm had in fact *not* passed. It was merely taking a power nap before coming back as a Cat 5 Hurricane.
Starting in new-blog-new-meds-new-life-new-me August of last year, I began a downward mental health spiral. From August to December:
I got in a big fight with my boyfriend at a family wedding and also continued to start fights with him throughout the season because I couldn't communicate properly and kind of hated him all the time for not reading my mind
dropped out of school (again)
talked to people whom I knew I had no business reconnecting with
cried almost all the time whenever I was alone
began my awesome 3hrs-on/2hrs-off sleep cycle
and hovered just under 100lbs (also, again)
Whenever I spoke to my parents on the phone, they regularly commented on how angry I seemed. When they would ask what was wrong, I could point out ~200 different immediate things that were annoying me at any given time because I was just seething 100% of the time. I also have gaps in my memory throughout the fall - it's not that I did something bad... it's that when your brain is occupied with just making it through the day without exploding, it's super easy to forget some of the details of what's been going on around you.
On top of being an emotional wreck, I physically felt horrible all the time because I wasn't sleeping or eating properly. When you feel bad, don't sleep, and aren't eating well, you probably don't think you look your best, and not liking how you look takes its own toll.
I accepted that I needed help was when I realized I no longer woke up happy. Now, don't get me wrong, I don't want to be with other people singing and dancing the moment I open my eyes (please get away from me), but I definitely generally wake up at least excited about what the day could bring. I am a hopeful human at heart, and last fall I lost that light inside me and it was scary.
So I saw a psychiatrist and started medication - something I have fought since 2012. I don't know what other people's reasons might be for avoiding psychiatric medication, but I personally didn't want to admit that I needed daily support in the form of a pill. But then, in my initial consultation, I talked for 40 minutes straight. My psychiatrist Mandy then said with wide eyes, "So... you have a lot of trauma". It made me cry because it felt so amazing to let some of this shit go and admit that it's a weird and messy place inside my head and be understood.
I left with 3 prescriptions - that fact alone took a personal board meeting to cope with. I didn't want to admit I needed daily support in the form of a pill, let alone 2, 3 if shit's really bad that day. On the other hand, I didn't want to keep living life the way I was MORE than I cared about having meds. Thus in early December 2020, I took control of my weird noodle, and within a few weeks, there was a night and day difference. I started gaining a little weight, I smiled more, and most importantly I didn't want to disappear when I opened my eyes in the morning.
Anyway - I say all this to say that if you're struggling with your own mental landscape, try and do something about it. Look for government and private resources to help you pay for support (let's be real - not everyone can afford mental health care in America). Don't keep settling for a sliver of how powerful you can be because you have an internalized, incorrect belief about medications. Fire your therapist that you feel doesn't get you even after your 10th appointment and find someone else.
Most importantly - take some pressure off of yourself when you're in this place of needing and setting up support. Amidst all of the shit I was dealing with, I also spent a lot of time panicking because I wasn't completing tasks to advance my career or education. I feared I was falling too far behind to ever measure up with every missed email, assignment, or arbitrary self-imposed deadline. The truth is - yes, I was falling behind, and there were consequences. This panic was a signal that I needed to take a break, breathe, and change how I was going about my life because obviously whatever I was doing wasn't working.
I love blogging - I love having a voice and sharing information and my experiences with new people. I just am not the person I was when my blog earned me brand ambassadorship agreements and interviews - and that's ok. I outgrew that person and was uncomfortable continuing trying to fit a mold I'd made years ago. So I scrapped everything written over the past few years, rebuilt my site, and started over with a fresh slate!
Key takeaways here -
Take control of your mental health - please reach out to me if you feel like you have no one else or need help finding resources. I am here!
Welcome to my new blog - check out my fresh new 'about' page
Update 8/13/2021 - You know the whole concept of "drafts"? I'm bad at that. Lets call the first, primarily green version of my new blog design Draft 1. This one might even still be a draft, though I like it more than Draft 1....